The Secret of Your Dreams

 

I am sitting down today because for whatever reason The term “Have faith” has been stuck in my head.

 

“Having faith” and “knowing” are two very different words that mean to entirely different things.

 

But I got stuck on this and how big the difference “knowing” has made in my life. The term “having faith” was thrown around here and there in my home but the adjective “Knowing” was demanded in my own head for reasons I would like to share.

 

I have reflected on how different my life would have been and also how incredibly unique it has been simply because I knew all I had to do was “Know” in my heart that I could have everything I really wanted. But only the things in my heart. I knew those were the only things worth chasing because they are the gratifying and honestly the easiest to obtain.

 

Remember that.

 

As a huge Professional Wrestling fan from the day I first watched it, I was intrigued by the posters around town advertising a real life wrestling show coming to our little elementary school gym. As a kid who was never exposed to a single show outside of WWF programing, ever, I grew into to this overwhelmingly excited, energetic, kid that you would have sworn was a part of their marketing team the way I spread the word!

 

For a month and a half straight I lived in this imaginary place of what I thought I would see in the huge extravaganza coming to a town with the population of one New York city block. I still remember the poster clear as day.

 

That morning the sun came up and the big day was here. Leaving the show I knew it was a day that would change my life.

 

This company just landed their biggest fan. A 15 year old kid who was now on a mission. I needed more.

 

My mother at the time was hanging onto her youth and in the early days of “chat rooms” developed a “singles” page on the MIRC program. This chat room grew into a ridiculous amount of people followed by monthly house parties.

 

A recognizable name pops up into the chat room one day. ThurstonWWO is now listed in the “in room” portion of the screen.

 

Whhhaaaat!!!???

 

You have to be kidding me! The same James Thurston I just seen that announced himself the owner of the company that blessed my life just 2 weeks prior!? The same 4’7 scrawny little man that needed an elevator to get into the ring, is in my mom’s chat room!

 

It’s on!

 

This would be the very first time I would use utilize manifestation in the form “knowing” in my life. I would not even reflect on that fact until just this minute now, some 16 years later. But fact non the less. It was pure energy manifesting a child’s dreams.

 

Allot of people discuss their “dreams”. It is one of the most vague discussions that people who are not in touch with themselves spiritually ever have. Its spoken about without knowledge, real ideas and or information, and almost impulsive in origin when first discussed. For allot of people it carries a sense of commitment. People tend to says things like “It was my dream ever since I was a little kid” and “That has always been my dream”.

 

I have yet to meet a person who thinks, behaves, and still todays carries around any of the characteristics or thoughts with them to this day that they may have had when they were 7-12 years old. Your brain functions completely differently throughout the several stages of life we all hope to achieve and reflect on one day.

 

As a child I could not say being a professional wrestler was a dream, because my brain would never go there. It wasn’t a possibility. Sure, I jumped off of the couch onto my younger sister more times than I ever hugged her. Of course I had the play ring and the rubber action figures. Yes, my mother found ways to take me to live events that were so much larger than life to a child that there are few things comparable.

 

But when that name popped up on that screen for the first time in my life I knew how to use the subconscious act of “knowing”. And knowing with my heart. You can spend all the years you wish believing in your head but until it transfers to the heart, it’s just a thought.

 

I knew in my heart he was there for a reason. I knew that there was magic in the air. It chilled my whole body and inspired my spirit to unbelievable heights.

 

Here I am…15 years old, 130 pounds, and broke.

 

After several months of attempts to be allowed into their world and school, these were proving to be obstacles I could not control, nor overcome but kept believing that it will happen one of these days. I just knew it.

 

That day came in the form of a question by the owner of the company

 

I was asked;

 

“So you really want to do this kid?”

 

“Are you willing to do anything to show us you have what it takes?”

 

All of which a thrilled young man roared “YES! YES! YES!”

 

My task was simple

 

“Take off your shirt and put both of your hands behind your back. No matter what, your arms stay behind your back”

 

Forced to expose the tiny little area I called a chest back then. I grew nervous as no other instructions were given.

 

“Do you know what a chop is?

 

“Of course” I trembled

 

I have watched Ric Flair open guys chest with chops. A simple open hand slap with all the forces needed to make such loud slap sounds that an audience of 12,000 people would need in order to hear it in the nose bleeds.

 

“If you can take 40 consecutive over hand and knife edge (backhanded) chops without stopping, or moving your arms from behind your back, we will let you train for free”

 

I will never forget the feeling. I remember the room became overwhelmingly silent as they awaited my decision. I remember the look in the girls eyes as if they were about to find out who the winner of American Idol would be this year.

 

Well, this year it was me

 

“Hell YES!!!” “Lets do this!” I demanded

 

I rip off my shirt, throw my arms behind my back, and taunt him to get this started and over with! I needed to get to training, and he was now the only thing in my way!

 

The first chop hits my chest with the impact of a wrecking ball. Steals every bit of wind right out of my lungs and refuses to give it back. The neighbors must had thought we shot a baby 22 pistol in the apartment. It was the most physically painful event of my life to that moment. I buckled over, went to my knees, gripped my chest with my arms, and was stunned at what just happened to me.

 

I looked up at this wrestler who found pride in doing such damage with one shot to this tiny little kid. And this was only number one. 39 more to go. As I made it to my feet, regained my breath, and apologize for moving my arms, a huge red hand mark starts to appear on my chest. Stretched shoulder to shoulder, and virtually bottom of my throat to the top of my belly.

 

Knowing is a powerful intent.

 

And I knew that I was going to be WWF Champion the very next day!

 

A fully grown man took all of his might and brought it down onto a child 1/3 of his size. He watched as bruises, welches, and now cuts started to form.

 

The girls watched in horror as I kept my eyes closed, endured the over the top hazing and then fall directly over them moment everyone counts to the number 40 and celebrates as if I had just blown out the candles on my 21^st birthday.

 

I do not remember shot 2-39. But I remember the last one as if it just happened to me prior to sitting down.

 

It was over. I’m my head, I just earned the right to say I am a pro wrestler.

 

2 full summers of pure indulgence. Commitment like no other from a young teen with moderate book smarts and no real path in life to that point. I embraced the art form that is telling stories with your body. I studied like I have never studied before. I fell in love with it all over again.

 

From watching a name show up on my computer to now being on the road to my dreams. This was unreal.

 

Shortly after my 25^th birthday I received a phone call telling me to report to the WWE’s flagship show, Monday Night Raw. I would imagine the only event that could come close to duplicating the feeling that engulfs your entire body when you realize that your dream has actually come true is winning millions of dollars in the lottery.

 

My best friend and I walked down that ramp in front of 13,000 people for the first time together. We both whispered phrases like “this is it” and “we are here” to each other as we strut down that ramp with pride.

 

It truly is amazing to be able to appreciate and take in the moment when your dream is now your moment in time.

 

We never got full time jobs with that company, and then a short time later, I broke my leg clean in half on a steel gaurdrailing.

 

Injuries stop you in your tracks. No matter what it is going on in your life, your are forced to be still in most cases.

 

This abrupt stop of momentum would now change my life and my so called “Dream”

 

I sat down one disabled day and my mother (who is someone years into her spiritual path by now) forced the video version of the documentary “The Secret” onto me.

 

The words that were being processed and the order in which they were being said all brand new to me. I never heard words like “Manifestation” or “Abundance” before. I may have heard them through my mom. But at that time I thought she was out of her mind and the only hippie I had ever met that has never, ever taken drugs.

 

I heard all of these wonderful, fresh ideas, that were all so simple and to the point. But for some reason, I seemed to tune out all the financial references in the film as my brain never related what I heard in the film to my financial status in life.

 

I immediately associated it with love. I spent months getting used to and understanding that if I believe something in my heart, then it will be. The thought need not go further. I just will be, and I know it.

 

I officially wanted something I had never had before.

 

Love.

 

Real, true, story book love that would last forever. I was done with this phase of my life and had a new “Dream”.

 

As with wrestling, I always stayed open and rather focused on being ready when it did come. I never had a shortage of applicants, so it was bound to find me.

 

Little did I know that in my manifestation I would bring something to the table that goes beyond the love between man and woman, beyond the love of any relationships prior. The day I realized how powerful manifestation and “knowing” can be was the day I first held my son.

 

Ladies and gentleman, if you can again, be in the moment of purposely knowing with your heart, watching and realizing what “knowing” brought to your life, you will have a firm understanding that “Dreams” are not this imaginary fairytale associated with your childhood thoughts. They are not these distant unreachable ideas that cannot be put into motion. They should be in your heart and absolutely known to be in your future.

 

Having a child inspires allot in a person who operates day to day with their heart as often as they possibly can. And in preparing for this little “dream” of mine, I starting having these visions of a future life for him created by my energy in the now.

 

Again, my dream changed.

 

I dreamt of opening a company in his honor and for not only my present, but his future stability in life. Something he could grow up being proud of. And something that could be a source of energy should he decide to tap into it.

 

But here I am again. 27, high school dropout, with only a single trade. And absolutely no money.

 

One day I simply made the decision. Strapped with only a “dream” and equipped with a small little sports car, a few paint brushes and a few rollers, a business titled with my sons initials was born.

 

Every single day I woke up with the intentions of creating something that the people around me never seen coming. I unleashed this incredible power of manifestation fresh off of the life changing 2 hours spent watching “The Secret”. Everyone that crossed my path was drawn to it. I had help from individuals who out of the blue decided they would pour their energy into it with me. And for nothing in return.

In a very short time I found myself operating around town with a brand new work van wearing vehical tags that read “LUVMY5ON”.

 

I knew it would happen because it came from my heart and I KNEW it would come to life.

 

I am now starting my fourth year and have accumulated 33 awards in our local community.

 

 

 

________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

Don’t trick yourself into believing the word “dream” also translates to “not real”

 

It is whatever is in your heart.

 

Our energy is the most power force known to man.

 

If it is truly in your heart, then it can be easily, manipulated into focus.

 

Once you know you can do something in your heart and apply one hundred and twenty percent of your spirit and energy towards something, the universe will have no choice but to sit back and watch you bloom out of control in the direction of your heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Energy of Addiction

Blood just slowed down but my heart is speeding faster every minute. My eyes can’t focus on one thing, constantly moving. My arms are still, but fingers stay in motion. Racing thoughts flying by faster than a bullet from a freshly squeezed trigger. Fuck! It won’t stop. I grip my phone with sweaty palms, and refuse to let go. Glance at the screen every 3^rd second with anxiety that surpasses anything previously felt before.

I am out of pills.

I managed to become one with my addiction somewhere along the way. I became friends with it and we had fun together. I could have sworn there for a while he brought out the best of me. Brought me up when I was down, and showed me that everything would be ok. Took me on mental journeys that only he could walk me through.

My heart beats faster with the simple expression and description provided through these words. I feel it in my spine. My body wants to go home. And for the last few years, home is far from sober.

It is just my addiction and me. We don’t bother anyone and keep to ourselves. We enjoy our quality time and miss each other with unbelievable pain when separated. We don’t see how we impact others. Hell most have never met my friend. I tend to disregard the amount of attention and money my pal requires from me, as it seems well worth the trade. I feel on top of the world, I can’t be stopped for a second, and he has always been right there for me anytime I needed to get away.

One day a brand new energy slapped me in my face and told me it was time to wake up. An energy that promised it brought more to the table then my old friend. That he had worn out his welcome and was starting to take advantage of me.

And this energy brought with it the sun. Blinding sun-rays that even the best sunglasses would not help you through. It brought that needed energy to level the pace of my blood with the pace of my heart. This energy offered me everything I already had in my old friend, and a full list of remarkable extras.

But breaking up is hard to do. It’s always scary making new friends. And letting go of old ones.

I found ways around it. I figured out how to have my cake and eat it to. I figured out that I could be best friends with them both as long as they did not know about each other. And hell, If I can do that, everyone wins.

My old friend and I got closer as time went on, as did myself and this bright new energy. They never met, never crossed paths. I managed to grow closer and closer to both rapidly.

As time went on, I was on top of the world! I was able to embrace this new energy that had my life on fire like you would not believe. It was forcing me to grow into a man, grow spiritually, and become the best me I was capable of being.

But my old friend was not a fan of the change. He grew spiteful. He watched me slowly start to embrace and empower this new light and energy surrounding me. By now, he could see it clear as day. This new energy was a remarkable threat to our long standing relationship. We no longer had the fun we used to. Our time was usually spent asking each other why we even still hang out when all I want to do is feel the embrace of this new energy. This went on for several months. Night after night talking back and forth with my old friend who at this point felt unwanted, needed, or loved like he once was.

My old friend became more aggressive and unwilling to work with me. He started to inflict physical pain upon me during separation and would do everything he could to make me feel horrible for leaving him behind.

Once I took the step to introducing my new energy to my old friend, it became allot easier. This new energy backed up every word and truly meant it when I was told it brought more to the table then my old friend. In the same way my old friend hurt me, my new one healed me. Put Band-Aids on the scars and softly healed them with ease. It brought me to a level in life I never knew existed. I had love. True, real, genuine love.

And just like that, my old friend was gone and out of the picture for good…

But he has been around the block a few times. He understands our relationship better than I ever will. And he knew there would come a day that I would come running back into his arms and embrace.

And I did.

Not to betray my new friend, but to fill a void I tricked myself into believing was there. I never felt I could not perform on the job to the best of my ability without him. He spent allot of time showing me just how productive and on top of my game I can be. And he forced me to believe that I could not do it without him.

He was back.

This caused 2 worlds to collide. Both inside of me and around me.

Stuck in a dark thunderstorm, scared to leave again. My blood races and again and my heartbeat falls way behind. My mouth is moving, but without the intention of speaking, I grip my phone tighter than I ever have.

I buy more pills.

That blinding sun dims down to a low light that barely allows me to see my feet in front of myself in the dark. I threw water on the fire and everything on the table was violently removed and I was left alone with my old friend.

It’s not the same anymore. Sure you lift me up. But the sun lifted me higher. Sure, you motivated me, but it motivated me further. Sure, you stimulate my brain, but SHE brought me new found life, understanding and energy.

But, here we are. Alone together again.

I watch you sit in the corner with your head held high having accomplished the same thing you have so many times before with everyone you have crossed paths with. Your chest poked out as if you just found a cure for cancer. And you speak with me in a tone of confidence that makes me sick to my stomach.

I am an addict.

 

 

 

 

Expectations and Energy: Close your mouth and open your eyes

 

I would like to start by saying that I made the decision to do my very first blog just this morning. I am sitting down with no intent, no format, and absolutely no expectations of what will be delivered to you through my fingers. No pun intended.

For about 5 years now I have been on what some people call a “Spiritual Path”. Meaning, I have gotten in touch with myself in many ways that I have not been able to in the past. I have grown as a person in how I treat myself and treat others, my outlook on life and world, my purpose, and the power I have within myself to give others light, motivation, and in some cases empowerment.

I have been overwhelmed with joy the last several days (in the middle of some of the worst personal circumstances possible). And this morning my joy finally came in the form of understanding. I search for understand on a regular basis. I know who I am striving to be, and know it takes stopping to reflect and making adjustments along the way. Today my outlook on the word “expectation” changed. This is a term thrown around on a normal basis by virtually everyone, without the understanding of what it means to your life.

It will be officially removed from my vocabulary and life from this point on and with good reason. I used it as a shield to protect myself from uncertainty. I used it as an excuse when uncomfortable with myself or situation, and I used it as leverage when I had nothing else.

After spending a day thinking about it, I cannot find one way or use for expectation that contains positive energy.

And until today, never had a clue.

I have been debating on my 35 minute drive home on whether I would deliver my messages via personal stories that have led me to the epiphanies that slapped me in my face this morning or would I paint a relatable picture with words that anyone who is reading will be able to take something away from.

Without being able to decide, I will start with the end, work backwards and see what comes out.

Memorial Day weekend I pushed someone I love, care for, trust, and see my entire future in so far away from me that conversations with her now are completely unrecognizable in comparison to anything prior, both in content and energy.

A true to life role model, a legit best friend, an inspiration, a motivator, and the one person that has ever graced my 31 years of living in this body to ever come along and inspire me to be the absolute best version of me I can possibly be. Ladies and gentleman, if you are every lucky enough to write that last sentence about a single person, be very much aware that a lot of people never get that chance, and cherish it as if it was a family heirloom that is virtually invaluable.

Today is the 13^th of June and it took this long from the holiday to realize how far I allowed expectation to carry my behavior into a place that feeds off disappointment and relishes in misery.

2 years ago almost to the month I met and fell head over heels in love with someone who was bringing a slightly scarred past to the table. As was I. Within months any walls I may have had up to block me from speaking from the heart, opening up, and being as vulnerable a person can be, were gone. I was fully AWARE of the miracle that was before me.

My future had arrived.

Her, not so much. She still did not possess an ability to trust (no matter how much she loved me) someone with her fears, her worries, and allowing them in, past a certain point. I did not understand then just because it came so incredibly easily and naturally for me, but it is a frightening thing to really put your heart into creating a future with someone. It is very easy to live in the day, spend time, and participate in a relationship. However, trusting your future with your heart, is another story. Especially if you have been let down by others in the past for doing the same thing.

As I grew rapidly in spirit, as a person, and lover with her, I subconsciously was expecting that back. I was dead focused on being a man that any woman would be proud to have in their life. A man that was always at the plate ready to hit a home run, or at least take my best swing every single time. A man that compromised and changed some of the stubborn ass ways in which he has learned to live life, and interact with people.

And I, without knowing it, FULLY expected that back. Looking back now, I wanted it done at the pace I was on and anything else would fail to meet my expectations.

Obviously, it did not happen. How could it? I was lucky enough to find a person that could relate to my energy and way of thinking, let alone take giant leaps forward everyday towards this imaginary state of mind that only exist in my head!!

We enjoyed each other both physically and mentally. We learned from each other and became legitimate best friends. But our relationship was not budging. No growth what so ever.

With one person purposely growing spiritually and succeeding, and being very outspoken about his growth, trying to inspire it in his partner. And the partner slowly growing, making many attempts at putting her toes in the water, and not being able to move past the fear of jumping in. To me, there was a problem.

After about 12-13 months every problem we had was based on my expectations of open communication, relationship growth, and an obvious effort, came to a head. I impulsively broke up with her and left the relationship one night when I expected her to have a discussion with me about our relationship, and failed to do so.

It was over.

An energy came into my life and forced me to take large steps towards being a bonified man simply by existing in my world. An energy came into my life, and its simple presence moved me to the point that I spent time soul searching every single day and making drastic changes. This energy that came into my life and lit a fire under my ass, that only preparing for my first child has ever done before, was now gone.

We trick ourselves into believing or buying into things that sooth our hearts. And that’s exactly what I did. 100% blame on her for not finding the path I was on and jumping in. 100% blame on her for not finding a way and making an effort that I could visibly see. Not knowing she was already well on her way, she just didn’t know how to communicate it.

Never once did I realize that I was placing anger and pointing a negative finger directly at the same energy that just the day before was my inspiration, my lifeline, my role model, and most importantly, my teacher.

Many people do not possess the ability to step out their own box to view things, many people do not carry around a level head during intense times, many people to not know how to embrace and guide change in someone, love without judgment, and many people do not know how to participate in a relationship WITHOUT EXPECTATION.

I walked away from the one person I have ever met that has those abilities.

And all because I had a unknowing and honestly unrealistic expectation of what I needed to see from her to believe she loved and wanted to be with me.

3 months later, my phone rings and I am blessed to hear the words “I miss you”.

Never been so happy in my life.

We agree to try again and discuss upfront how we are going to do it. Only thing missing is communication. Easy enough right?

Day 1 on the job of my new relationship (and if you don’t show up to your relationship as if it is your job, it will fail. I promise. It may be minor, but effort must be made every day if you want that promotion you’re looking for) I carry in the same exact unsettled expectation that I left with. She applied all of the energy it took to find ourselves together again, when I found myself completely addicted to pain pills, she held my hand and got me through it day after day without judgment which brought us incredibly closer, and that didn’t even cross my mind or matter as much as it should have in those moments. I needed the same personal advancements I made, her to make. And I always felt that if I was not inspiring her to change, then she must not love me the same way I love her.

Even though on my birthday she delivered the most adorable relationship proposal imaginable (went from dating to officially in a relationship)

Now, I’m playing with fire and don’t even realize it.

After a series of months reaching out in my own way to her hoping to inspire this change I’m so desperate and expecting to see, its flat.

I impulsively decide to walk away from the relationship, as there was no effort on the other end, at least that I could visibly see and appreciate.

I failed to see the fact that this would be the first time she reaches out to any man admitting her mistakes to hopefully find herself in my arms again. I failed to hear her when she was screaming to the top of her lungs that she was ready for change, she just wanted guidance. I failed to see the actual change that was going on with her, and the focus she must have had to get to a place for the first time ever that she felt we moved past our problems and asked me to join her in a committed relationship again.

Still, my level of expectation was so high, she didn’t have a chance.

Something beautiful happened next. This young lady who had just been broken up with and forced to hurt by the man she is very much in love with made a huge change in herself almost immediately. She found a sense of willingness and urgency that I doubt she has ever felt before.

A woman that has never had it in her (or maybe the desire) to sit down with a man and open up without limits, decided it was time. It took her 5 separate meetings with me (each of which I became increasingly angry about due to the failed attempt). Each of which not a single word was mentioned. We both knew what was supposed to be said, and we were both EXPECTING the other to bring it up and out.

On the 5th attempt, we sat along a beautiful strip of ocean and everything was perfect. The sun lit up our world and seemed to be there just for us and there was a perfect breeze that seemed to want to blow us closer together. She opened her mouth and spoke nervously from her heart. She touched on things that were real to her and that she didn’t even feel she was in her place saying. It was incredible. Looking back now I see the evolution of a person that took baby steps to a place that she had never been before. While I made giant leaps.

However, I have now 2 years of real and true expectations behind what she is going to say, and it had better be what I want to hear.

It wasn’t at all. It was not anything I wanted to hear, but looking back, everything I needed to hear.

On the drive home I actually remember expressing my expectations but not even really knowing what that word means or how it affects your life. Low and behold, this woman is truly in love and offered to try again.

One on one the very next night sitting in my bed. She says “Ok, what do you want to talk about”? With determination to find solutions so we can get to the place we both want to be, as any smart person would after what just transpired and knowing that your partner has expectations. I refused to help as I expected her to find the questions, find the answers, and figure out how to communicate them in a way that won’t generate a similar reaction from the day prior.

We did not speak about anything.

And that was the last day she has went out of her way in any way shape of form to communicate with me.

 —————————————————————————————–

Your focus is your greatest energy. It can and will move mountains should you allow it.

Watch were you apply your focus to your relationships, and be very much aware of it.

Close your mouth and open your eyes.

We both made silly relationship mistakes. But nothing that wasn’t very easy and fast to get through. Expectation is the ultimate wall. Once you build it, you will live day to day without even realizing it’s there.

This woman was running around like a teenager in love putting all of the right energy in all of the right places at the only pace she knows how to. I had my eyes shut to it and rather kept demanding more with my mouth.

My expectations blinded me to what was right in front of me, what we worked so hard to manifest together. It was all right there for us both.

There is a fine line between manifestation and expectation.

Tread lightly because it WILL make all the difference in the word.